The Daria Sitters Remeber
by Nurple
Summary: Daria and Jane sit on their butts and remember stuff. A pink thong makes an appearance.


# The Daria Sitters Remember

### By Neo Hippy Purple

Daria belongs to MTV. Yippee skip.

Curtain rises on a stage, empty except for a bed with a TV in front of it, and an easle to the right. Two shadowed figures step onstage, and make their way unhurriedly to the setting in the middle. The figure on the left lies on the bed, remote poised in hand. The figure on the right stands, paint on fingers, poised to mutilate her canvaas. The lights go normal and both people turn to face the camera. 

Jane: Damn! I guess they forgot to wait untill we were in starting positions to film us. Hey, cameraman dude!

Cut to the camera. Kevin is behind it, grinning like a lost monkey.

Jane: Nevermind, then.

Daria: We were supposed to come in here to give you a talk about all the stuff we've loved about the past two years.

Jane: Problem - We couldn't think of anything we loved-

Daria: Or even liked.

Jane: About our time together.

German/Long Island Drag Queen in the Audience: No things you liked?

Jane: Uh, no.

Daria: So lets just go over a bunch of the crap we've been through.

Jane: Yeah, like that time you and Trent went on the date to find me a present.

Daria: It was NOT a date!

Jane: Oh, yeah? You bared skin to him, Daria, and then let him watch while some British guy stuck something in it.

Daria: Jane! You make it sound like we [bleep!]ed!

Jane: (Bartok voice) Don't get so graphic!

Daria: You're the graphic one. Anyway, it wasn't kinky skin, it was just my belly button.

Jane: Next it'll be your-

Editor: Oh, no! Don't you mention THAT button!

Jane: Damn! But he said he saw this gogo dress and thought it'd look hot on you.

Daria: He also knows you so little he wanted to get you a tie dye shirt and a guitar.

Jane: TRENT! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!

Trent comes scrambling on stage, frightened.

Trent: I was napping and I heard you scream! What's going on? Was someone trying to hurt you? (Mama voice) Who hurt you? You tell me who hurt you! (normal) Was it YOU? 

He looks at Daria.

Trent: Nope. 

He flips up the sheets and looks under the bed, surprised to pull out a pink thong.

Daria: (deadpan) Sittin in a truck, truck, truck. Boys like what, what, what? 

Jane: DAAA-Ria! That's uh.... ummm.... Daria's! Yeah, it's hers.

Daria: If it's mine, why's it under your bed?

Trent: Yeah, Janey. If it's yours, just say so. We won't judge you for that- (snickers) pink lace- (snickers) thong.... Ha ha ha ha!

Trent can't help laughing, and Daria smirks, too.

Jane: Dammit! Fine, it's mine. Tom has this thing for girls in pink thongs and I didn't want Quinn... as.... OOOPS!

Trent and Daria are both glaring at her. Trent takes out a lighter and torches the thong. Daria stays silent. Trent leaves.

Jane: Anyway, after THAT embarassing moment (She blushes), where were we?

Daria: You were about to hang yourself with your bootlaces, and I was about to shove your now laceless boots up your ass.

Jane: Ouch! Sorry! Pardon me for being normal.

Daria: Jane, am I normal?

Jane: Yessssss...

Daria: But *I'M* not sexually active. Proving you don't have to be sexually active to be normal. 

Jane: Dammit! You got me. Anyway...

  
  


Wavity flashbacky things....

  
  


Daria and Trent stand in front of The Funky Doodle.

Daria: I just don't see Jane in tie dye.

Trent: You'd look hot in that.

Daria: Mmm. Thanks.

Later....

Trent: I know. Little silver hoop.

Axl: Aw right. The navel ring wuhhks. Iss a staht at leyst.

Daria: I am NOT peircing my belly button. It never did anything to me.

Trent: Daria, it'd look really hot.

Later....

Quinn: She was peirced! Peirced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity!

  
  


Back on stage.

  
  


Jane: Well, wasn't that special? Daria, show everyone your scar.

Daria: No. (bt) And no.

Jane: C'mon, Daria.

Daria: I don't even have a scar. The red spot is gone.

Jane: Damn, again!

Daria: Damn, Damned scar. Speaking of Damned, remember the time you dressed up as a conventional person? You had bouncity-bounce.

Jane: Where did I put my extra boots?

Daria: Why?

Jane: I want to shove a boot up your ass, but I don't want to ruin my good pair.

Daria smacks Jane on the back of the head.

  
  


Wavity Flashback things...

  
  


Cheerleader: Ra! Ra! Ra! Gooooo TEAM! Now, it's your turn. Give it everything you've got!

Later... 

Jane: Cheer, cheer, cheer; yell, yell, yell; who cares who wins cuz we're all going to hell.

The cheerleaders freak.

Jane: If my peppy doesn't work for you I can always try my perky.

Cheerleaders: No, no, thats okay, nevermind.

Later... 

Daria: So where's your evil twin?

Jane: The aliens finished their experiments and let me return in her place.

Daria: How was the probe?

Jane: (bt) Less intrusive, this time.

Later...

Brittany: ... And she lost all her bouncity bounce!

Daria: You had bouncity bounce?

Jane: Drop it or I kill you.

And we're back.

Daria is smirking Jane looks a bit embarassed.

Jane: Uh, you can cut that footage from the final edition, Kevin.

Kevin: Football finals are coming up?!?!?! I gotta go benchpress!!!

He runs wildly off stage. Daria and Jane look after him with their right eyebrows raised.

  
  


Commercial Break

NaisonNex

Dog Shampoo

Electronic Catlitter Box

Pilsburry Dough Boy Cookies. Who wants cookies made from squealing fat men?

Foreign Travel Advisement: Never tell an Englishman to get bent

Tenspot Advert

And We're Back!

  
  


Daria is looking at Jane's painting on the canvaas. It's a big black blur with little finger shapped red spots.

Daria: Uh, interesting painting. Very deep, and... emotional.

Jane: Nope. I just like the shape of a finger.

Daria: Does it remind you of a-

Jane: No! Not at all!

Daria: I was going to say sausage or banana or some equally placid thing, but okay.

Jane: Damn you to hell, Daria.

Daria: As if you're the first.

Jane: Hey, this reminds me of that painting I did for the contest...

  
  


Wavity Flashbacky Thingies...

  
  


Jane: Another slice?

Daria: No thanks. I already feel as if I might throw up. (Bt) Hey.

Later...

Ms. DeFoe: She's beautifull! She knows she's a winner; she couldn't be thinner; now she goes in the bathroom and... vomits up dinner? Oh, Jane. I don't think that's funny.

Jane: You don't?

Ms. DeFoe: Do YOU think it's funny to make fun of someone with an eating disorder?

Later...

Ms. Li: (OS) What the hell?!

Later...

Helen: Are you familiar with the term 'violation of civil liberties'? And the term 'Big fat lawsuit'?

Later...

Brittany: I won!!!

  
  


And Back again.

  
  


Jane: That certainly was an interesting week.

Daria: Mom hasn't shown that much vehemence ever since.

Jane: Not counting the little nutstand incident.

Daria: Don't remind me. 

  
  


Wavity Flashbacky Thingies.

  
  


Helen: I should have known better than to trust one of Jake's sleazy contacts.

Later...

Boss: You can't take her! She's my employee of the week!

Helen: I'm sure her male counterpart is more that qualified.

Kevin: No, wait! My apron's stuck in the cash register again!

Boss begins to SOB like the SOB he is.

Later...

Quinn: You got to close to me with your stupid nut shirt! Daria, you KNOW I'm alergic to pastachio dye! My career as a neck model is over!

Daria: I think I just found job satisfaction.

  
  


Back again!

  
  


Daria: The rednecked Quinn photo I got was more than worth it. I pirated it on to Quinn's site, too.

Quinn comes running onstage.

Quinn: You did not! You did not!

Daria: Yes I did. It's on a floating box that pops up on every computer except yours.

Quinn sobs and runs off stage.

Daria sits there for a few minutes, not saying anything. Jane shrugs and starts to paint again. A few minutes later, Quinn comes back on red faced and red eyed.

Quinn: I hate you.

She picks up Trent's discarded lighter and pulls Daria's spare jacket from her shoulder bag, and then proceeds to torch it. Daria smirks and pulls out an expensive dress of Quinns and a razor blade.

Daria: Fifty bucks for a replacement or I shred this Circa Original.

Quinn: You wouldn't dare!

Daria holds the razor up to the edge of the dress. Quinn pulls out a fifty, tosses it to Daria, and Daria tosses the dress on the floor and plants her boot firmly upon it, leaving a brown muddy footprint over the left buttcheeck area. Quinn begins to sob all over again and walks out, head down.

Jane: Why did you destroy that beautifull dress?

Daria picks it up and shows Jane the tag, which says Target Original Maternity Line on it. Jane smirks.

Daria: Well, were out of time, now. And I need my ginsing and prozac. So, we'll give this already futile effort up and say Adieu.

Jane: Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you!

  
  


Credits and character makeovers.

  
  


This story borrowed dialog and ideas from "Appache Summer," "Revelations: A Daria Fanfic," And probably others too. The author wishes to thank everyone on the Daria message board for the idea.


End file.
